Buffy Casablanca Poster poppy wreath  RS

Odds and Ends

Good news: The cable guys came today and hooked up our internet service; we only had two days to wait. So now we're connected again, yay! I hope to be on again more often here - I've missed being here and getting to play. I need the release more than ever.

I just sketched out a rough draft for a post-series Buffy & Faith (and/or Buffy/Faith) fic the other day; I haven't ever written fic about the two of them before allthough I've got plenty of meta notes.  (It's occured to me I should start looking for a beta, and realize for all my experience being one, I have no idea how to ask for one.)

After the housefire, the crying jag, etc I've been thinking about Buffy post-series in ways I hadn't before: What's it like to have your entire world turned upside-down? To lose your home, the things you own, silly stuff that in some ways had come to define you? (Everyone thought I was crazy because I was thrilled that my childhood stuffed koala bear survived intact.) To have to remake-redefine yourself again because the patterns of your life, based on the habits built around the things you owned, the house you lived in, are suddenly no longer there anymore?

[Read more...]I'm familiar with the concept of displacement because I've been moved around many times since my dad died when I was about three yrs old: Mom remarried, then later divorced (and we left the house in the middle of the night); she bought a house and then another later; I went away to college, met my sweetie, moved and moved again. But this housefire is different - we've moved to another apartment but on the same property, we're still sorting through the damaged and destroyed things, betwixt and between if you will. I've tossed out books and antique photos I loved; I can't find anything in this new apartment because it's all still in boxes and bags; I set something down and five minutes later forget where. I did "detail work" today, lining kitchen cabinets, more cleaning and scrubbing of course, trying to find places for things. I'm not a great with organizational skills.  There's no sense of familiarity or rhythms to the way we live yet.

The only thing that feels familiar is the way my sweetie and I communicate - or don't as the case may be. We argue and snipe at each other but we did that before anyway, so nothing new. She says I'm loud, I'm yelling, I'm hyper, etc; I say she's controlling and bossy and is also hyper but doesn't see it. The thing I notice now more than ever is that she says every single thing that comes into her mind. I'm not kidding - it's a constant stream-of-consciousness conversation, and I have to suss out when she's talking aloud to herself and when she's talking to me and expects a response. That's nothing new either but it's more intense now, I think.

The week has been crazy, chaotic - horrible rains on the day we were moving most of our stuff and still a ton left to go. I admit I cursed the deities I don't currently believe in, just for good measure: "Really, God? REALLY? I know you have a sense of humor and all that, and I mean this with all due respect but - Fuck you. Don't take that the wrong way or anything."

But the tarp I'd put up over the tent (all by myself, I'll have you know) withstood the rains and is still standing. *pats self on back*  So there's that at least.
I've done plenty of beta stuff in the Buffyverse, so I'd be happy to help. Not crazy about explicit non-con or violent sex, but more or less anything else is fair game.

I'm so sorry your life has been turned upside down. Sadly, all the clichés are true - you only can do it one step, one day, one hour at a time.

{{hugs}}
When I've had a chance to write up the word docs I happily accept your offer, and thank you very much!

I had a Buffy & Dawn fic as well almost ready to go but the doc got destroyed when the desktop burned, so I need to recreate that one.

Not crazy about explicit non-con or violent sex

Not to worry, those are exactly the sorts of things that will make me hit the back button in a big hurry. I'm not even crazy about totally consensual explicit sex scenes. And I have no idea why, I'm not exactly a prude IRL. But when it comes to fic I'm the most vanilla Buffyverse fan out here. ;)

Thank you so much for the support! *hugs back*
It would be bizarre if your recent trauma hadn't intensified your feelings and actions. You went through fire - literally! (And I understand completely about the koala. It can't be replaced.)


Gabrielle
It's interesting that you use the word "trauma" because at first I'd been all "I'm fine, we're fine, no big deal, we didn't lose everything, scheme of things and blah blah" and now I'm feeling the weight of, yes, trauma. I've made fires in the outdoor grill and grilled things without blinking since then, but I'm hyper-aware whenever I hear a siren from a fire truck or ambulance nearby. I feel very similar at times to when I've been depressed - lethargic at times and tired, sometimes angry or sad, reluctant to speak to people or interact and withdrawn as if I were ashamed or embarrassed - but it doesn't feel like "depression" in the same sense either. (Maybe "situational depression" rather than "chronic depression"?)

FYI - I took a photo of my koala this morning. (His name is Euclid. Yes, he has a name. It seemed dignified thing to do.) But our card reader burned up so I can't download the photos yet! He looked entirely nonplussed by the turn of events *lol* He's very dignified, in his way.
I can only imagine how much it sucks to see your things, your own things, destroyed and to have to replace them even when you don't want to. And all the stress. I'm sending you a virtual bear hug!
I tried to send you one back yesterday but the computer was a little wonky and slow! So, I'm sending one back to you with extra interest, sweetie.

Yesterday I was thrilled to discover that an art print - a large woodcut made by one of my sweetie's classmates in art school that I'd bought for over $100 (and never framed but wrapped in acid-free achival paper and tucked between cardboard) was in my closet, not my sweetie's bedroom and burned up like I thought - and it was totally untouched by the fire, water, etc! It's those little things that become so important right now when everything else is so chaotic.
It may sound silly (to anyone outside the fandom), but at sometimes when life has been really difficult, I've taken inspiration from Buffy, and it's helped me get through.
I suspect nowadays it only sounds silly to those who don't want to admit being fans of something (or someone.)

And yes, I've been taking a lot of inspiration from Buffy lately. It may sound supremely silly, egotistical or over-dramatic, but I've been thinking about S6 a lot again and remembering why it is my favorite season on a personal level. Oh the shit that Buffy went through, bless her.
Life is what influences our writing, let's us imagine the world our charachters inhabit. Glad things are pulling back together and that lifeline has now been re-established. The www is such a huge part of life these days. It's like having a part ripped away to lose it. :D
Which worries me sometimes - that I've become part of the problem, being addicted to the computer! (Have you watched Timer with Emma Caulfied? We watched it one Netflix before the fire, and it's a "romantic comedy" with a bittersweet ending and some actual ideas, such as the way technology influences us and becomes our master rather than the other way around.)

My sweetie used to hate computers and was quite the luddite (she owned a house "in the hollow" in West Virginia for two years back in the day with no electricity and running water!) Now she might as well have her ipod surgically attached. (And before the fire I wasn't any better when it came to the desktop 'puter!)

And 100% agreement on life influencing our writing - yes we're influenced by our culture, by the work of other artists (not just fan writers btw!) but if all there is to one's art is aping other arts and media without the breath of lived experience, it feels utterly empty at the core, don't you think?
I find it comforting to be able to relate real life experiences, even the bad stuff, with fictional experiences. I think that's part of what stories are for...

And I don't know exactly what you're looking for in a beta, and I see you already have an offer anyway...but if you ever find yourself looking for someone on the critique side of things, and it's not explicit material, I'd be willing to take a stab at it.
Thank you and I accept your offer as well! I've noticed some of the best writers in the fandom have more than one beta so I'd be more than happy to take you up on it. I myself am horrible at judging grammar as I told Gillo; constructive critique has always been my strength and I'm definitely wanting that as well. I'm a horrible judge of my own stuff when I'm in the process.
Err, I just tried to reply to your comment above but it got marked as spam, so I'm trying again as a reply to the post instead of that particular comment, just in case that helps.

I generally trust anyone who says something sounds awkward or doesn't flow. Because if it sounds awkward to one person, it will probably sound awkward to other people, even if it doesn't sound awkward to me. And sometimes things are awkward because of being read a certain way -- it might not be the way I want or expected it to be read, but I'd rather clean it up so that it can't be read awkwardly.

Oh, yes, Language Log is a linguistics blog: http://languagelog.ldc.upenn.edu/nll/
The only was to turn this into an unsuspicious comment is to reply and so - I reply! *lol* There.

Your most recent comment needed no such fixes so perhaps my journal is recognizing you finallly?