red_satin_doll

http://wicked-awards.livejournal.com/33488.html?thread=834000#t834000




Some of my friends in this fandom have confessed to me privately that they've self-nominated one of their works, as if it were a dirty little secret.  And my response has been to reassure them that it's ok because that doesn't affect the judging processes, and  most importantly, they are a terrific writer and have a right to be proud of their work. Do I then apply that encouragement to myself?  Oh hell no, honey: "Oh I couldn't because that would be immodest and...unseemly."  I think I may actually have done so once in the past year, maybe.  (Maybe not, I don't remember.  Either  1) I've suppressed the memory, 2) my ADD is getting worse in my old age, or  3) a bit of both.  Take your pick.) Then if/when I do I go overboard in nominating work by other fans, as in "way more than the judges' minimum requirement". The Wicked Awards, for example, ask that if you self-nom, you nominate at least three other works as well. In this fandom the problem is not coming up with enough nominees but selecting a few from an embarrassment of riches. It's as if somehow this will counterbalance the terrible sin of pride I've committed.









Ok, time for a Reality Check(TM): I'm a fan of a show that includes murder, torture, abuse of power, necrophilia etc as everyday occurrences - hell, I live in a world in which murder, torture, abuse of power, necrophilia, etc are everyday occurrences. (I actually have no idea about that last one, btw.  But there's some pretty freaky people in this world.) And I'm worried about being perceived as "unseemly"?  What is up with that, really?



As I'm pretty new to fandom and not the only person who has wrestled with this issue, I'd love to hear your thoughts and perspectives on this issue.  Agree or disagree with spankedbyspike , and in either case, why?  Have you ever self-nominated your own works, and how did you feel about it?  Is the reluctance to do so a "gender thing" (traditionally girls have been conditioned to be "modest" about their accomplishments), a cultural thing, or a more general "personality thing"?


(And, completely OT: Why in the name of all that is unholy do I have to put an ocean of space between every single paragraph on LJ? *le sigh*)

"I think there's a mythology that if you want to change the world, you have to be sainted, like Mother Teresa or Nelson Mandela or Archbishop Tutu.  Ordinary people with lives that go up and down and around in circles can still contribute to change." -- Jody Williams (activist, Nobel Prize winner, quoted in Time Magazine, 03/25/13)



I read this today and was reminded of something either the_royal_anna or angearia wrote about Buffy, in particular S6.  I feel a bit embarrassed that I can't find the quote or remember which one of them said it.  I wouldn't confuse their writing styles when I see them set side-by-side, but their essays, musings and observations both occupy the a similar space in my mind when it comes to Buffy fandom: lyrical, deeply personal, optimistic, compassionate, perceptive and even joyous.  It's a space I need to return to when I get too caught up in the snark, irony, anger, and disatissfaction  - in fandom, in the verse, and in RL; the space that reminds me why I fell in love with the Buffyverse, and Buffy Summers, to begin with.

The observation I have in mind was how S6, and the really the show itself, was a reminded that ordinary people can achieve extraordinary things, even in the midst of great travail and despite pain and difficulties. *

And that's part of the reason why Buffy is My Hero, and why I love the Buffyverse** : Willow and Spike and Xander, Anya and Tara, Giles and Joyce and Dawn, and the rest.*** Because their mistakes do not completely define who they are, but become a part of who they are, inseparable from the moments they get it completely "right". But then again it's rarely as simple or easy as that, otherwise there would be no struggle; all we'd have to do to get from point A to point B would be to follow a handy little  roadmap. And we can define point A to point B as "childhood to maturity",  "ignorance to insight" "from morning until night",  "conflict to resolution".

That's something I need to keep reminding myself, especially when I feel particularly "small" and yes, even worthless.  When I feel as though my mistakes and failures - what I didn't achieve, who I didn't become - dominate my sense of "self". They're all I can see in and of myself, and I'm certain they're all anyone else sees.  When I forget, in the moments of doubt or self-recrimination, or hopelessness, that  there were moments that came before that, and that will come afterwards. That this too, shall pass.  Just as before, just as it always has.


* My apologies to the author herself for the incredibly clumsy and botched attempt to paraphrase an extraordinarily eloquent sentence. And forgetting who the author is to start with.

**Yes, that includes Kennedy. In fact, I'm starting to think she's genuinely awesome in her own way.

***Except for Angel and Riley. Feel sympathy for them at times?  Of course.  Love?  Nope, not feeling it.  The heart doesn't want what it doesn't want.

The winner, "And When the Sky was Opened"  by eleusis_walks is the first (only?) in-depth fandom examination of Cordelia Chase's character arc I've come across, and was completely new to me before this round of awards. (How many metas about Queen C have you read before?  Exactly.)  The runners-up were two of my favorite, absolutely essential metas about the Buffyverse: "Rules of Engagement: Violence and Hyperreality in the Buffyverse"  by lostboy_lj , and "Buffy, the Vampire Slayer vs Buffy the Vampire Slayer"  by beer_good_foamy .


All the nominees were fantastic but these choices feel particularly right - any one of them could have been "first place", so to me it feels like a three-way tie, in terms of quality. I cannot recommend any of them highly enough - and if you've chatted with me for more than five minutes you've probably seen me link to lostboy's and beer_good_foamy's metas and said "Yes, THIS."  They've helped shaped, define and deepen my understanding and enjoyment of the Buffyverse, of Buffy Summer's story AND they've both got wit and style to spare.  (Smarts plus humor = that guy or gal you used to date in college and sort of regret now that you let them get away.  Or maybe you don't but you had a damn fine time while it lasted.)

Now here's where I'm going to be a bit whing-y and indulgent if you'll bear with me: My own "Dopplegangers (Xander)" meta was in the running in this category, and I knew perfectly well that I was not going to win because the competition was formidable.  (Full disclosure: I nominated several of my competitors, because my meta was the only nominee at the time and who the hell wants that?  That's not a contest. Ironically, "And When the Sky was Opened" was one of the few I didn't nominate, which means - there are other people out there reading meta! So it's all good.)  But that didn't stop a teensy little part of my heart from wanting to win.

Brain: "You're not going to win, your meta is really rough and sloppy compared to these others, no way you're in the same category. Don't even think about it, kiddo."
Heart: "I know, I know, of course you're right. But I can't stop hoping just a teensy bit - what? No I'm not crossing my fingers honest I'm not."

Now here's the funny thing - and yes, I've got a point here somewhere - my fic "Untitled" has been nominated in two awards, won two "silver medals", basically, and I have no idea who nominated it, who voted for it, or why it got nominated in the first place.  And I mean that - none. I read the other stories I was competing against and was certain who was going to win; and it wasn't going to be me. It's like pennies from Heaven falling into my lap that I didn't expect and don't understand but, gee, I'll take it anyway and thank you. But the meta category? Of course I knew I wasn't going to win that.

Why the disconnect?  Because I think I'm as adept at judging the quality of fiction as nonfiction, at least in terms of other people's work.  Is it because I consider myself primarily a nonfiction writer as opposed to fiction?  Am I not as good of a judge of fiction as I think I am?  Could the fact that most of my reading at home (on the bookshelf) is nonfiction skew my judgement? Am I just overthinking the whole damn thing?

In any case, I'm going to get cracking this year because I already have my sights on the next round of Wicked meta awards.  Which is probably a huge, huge mistake - pride goeth before the fall and all that jazz. But I plan to have a damn fine time of it anyway.

I didn't prepare an acceptance speech because I really did not expect that, at all.  This is not false modesty talking; if I had been a judge in that category I wouldn't have voted for my own story because there were so many fantastic ones to choose from.  The other award winners in the Drabble category include some of the best Buffyverse stories I've come across, each one gorgeous and orignal: "Daisies" by spike_1790 , a delicately-drawn and compassionate portrait of Dawn's "bad habit", tied as Winner with   "Stolen Screams" by Jane Davitt, a very original take on Angelus' torture of Giles through Spike's POV. "Le Petit Mort" by snogged , a hypnotic "prose-poem" about complicated connection between the First Slayer and an OC Slayer the First Evil, won Fan Fave in the Drabble category.


The entire winners list includes some of the finest writing and most accomplished writers in this fandom; Best Author alone reads like a Who's Who of Buffyverse writers.  Congratulations everybody!  (More hugs, cookies and cocoa!)  Special shout-out to folks on my flist, including( I'm afraid I'll miss somebody): snowpuppies , velvetwhip , beer_good_foamy , coalitiongirl , brutti_ma_buoni , aadler , naughtynyx88 , deird1, pickamix, quinara, lynnenne , angearia - and so on and so forth. Hugs, cookies, and hot cocoa with extra mashmallows for everybody!


2) More shameless self-pimpage: Speaking of angearia, her comments in 2maggie2 's episode analysis of "Ted" were the catalyst for my last post, the meta about the episode for the Jossverse Big Damn Love Fest (DW version, sans screencaps.) I'm dying to respond but I have to wait until tomorrow when I have the 'puter to myself all day.  I honestly wasn't sure about "putting myself out there" in that way - in fact, I was a bit terrified; I couldn't think of anyone I felt comfortable enough going to as a beta or even asking "Is this ok? Is it too personal? Am I going to create a shitstorm?" But the responses the post has gotten so far have been absolutely amazing. Thank you.  You've reminded me that sharing stories is important and necessary; that thinking we're alone and no one else could possibly understand is the part of The Lie that keeps us separated from one another and interferes with our self-acceptance (Hey, do I detect the theme of another Buffy meta here?)  You ROCK.  This fandom ROCKS, even when, like the Scoobies themselves, it drives me up one side the wall and down the other.


And it also confirms one simple fact: I LOVE Buffy Summers, even when (and maybe because) it's difficult for me to love myself - and I love her from the first moment we see her in SD to that final hard-won smile in the sunlight. NO FUCKING APOLOGIES.

I know fan fiction dominates fandom creativity, in this as in other fandoms, but I think it's a shame not to give meta essays some love and recognition as well, particularly given the fact that Buffyverse fandom is the most academic fandom and intellectual fandom of any tv show.  And while I read TONS of fanfic now, meta is still where my heart is, particularly when the writer combines heart and head, intellectual and emotional responses.   There's Slayage of course, but those papers are addressed to a very specific audience, one that I never became a part of and whose language I cannot access.

I am speaking from a place of my own inadequacy, of course (health monetary problems forced me to drop out of a masters degree program many years ago, and I never achieved the level of education I imagined I would), but there's a need in me to talk and write about the show, to peel back it's many layers, to hear different viewpoints, without feeling like someone is talking over my head.  Which is ironic, given that the refrain I heard time and again from classmates and even my mom growing up was "Why do you have to use such long words? Can't you speak English?"


Karma is indeed a bitch, my friends.


So I never got to reside for very long in that vaunted ivory tower, which isn't so very exalted in reality - I have more friends than I can count who are doing better than I am, perhaps, but still just getting by cobbling together a variety of adjunct teaching positions. But watching BtVS awoke something in me that needed more intellectual stimulation, and meta on LJ, DW and various blogs fulfill that quite nicely.